Dink

Good Evening Munchkins,

This blog is going to be far from the norm and it’s something I’m very anxious to share with you, but I felt I needed to document it for my sake and, if any of you have gone through the same/similar thing, give you a little bit of reassurance. This blog post was started on the 12th of June last year and documents the miscarriage/abortion I had, forced by my Mum’s partner at the time. I know some people will read this and think I’m over-reacting but it was something very upsetting for me and, to this day, I think about it constantly. The reason I’m uploading it now is because today (the 3rd of March) would’ve been my due date. I’ve written almost like diary entries from the time and I thought I’d just share them and intervene where necessary to clear up any confusion.

12/06/16

I’m not really sure when this blog post will be going up – I’m currently writing it as it’s happening and when it’s still very raw. I’m writing this just to use it as an outlet at the moment; I don’t want to sound selfish or anything but this is for me and I understand if you don’t want to read this because it’s very personal. Warning, I will get graphic as well, I’m very honest and I don’t like to shy away from the truth.

I don’t really know how to say what I need to say and I’ve had to start a new paragraph for it, which I don’t like either really. Basically, I have had a pregnancy scare. I feel like the word ‘scare’ is just the entirely wrong word to use because for me, it just isn’t. It’s still very early days and I don’t think I am but I’m still getting all the feels and all the fears. I’m just going to explain everything from start to finish and I will probably be updating this in parts until I’ve reached the end but, yeah. Expect the majority of this to not add up, also, because I feel re-drafting is going to be a common thing for this blog post.

I told my Mum and Step-Mum almost straight away (i.e. the morning after it happened)  but my Mum had work so she left really early anyway. My Step-Mum ended up driving me round looking for a chemist that was open on a Sunday and would give me the ‘morning after’ pill whilst I was under 16. I didn’t actually get a say in this; it was just a case of ‘get in the car, I’m getting you the pill’. I am grateful for this and the gesture but at the time I was adamant that I could not get pregnant at all so was just really embarrassed. It was really awkward but I’m just a very awkward person anyway. Everything seemed fine but then from the early afternoon, he (this is the only appropriate way I know how to refer to him, so I’m sorry) started becoming really quite and I knew that it was starting to feel real for him. He has clinical depression and hasn’t as of yet received any treatment for it so he’s kind of like a ticking time bomb but this still made me even more stressed and panicked. 

I told a few of my friends, one of them as soon as I’d woken up, and they all promised to be there for me no matter what, which I’ve come to realise I really need. At the beginning of the week I was on cloud 9 and I just felt really happy that I finally had answers to my previously unanswered questions. I seemed to forget that people can lie to your face very easily! I started telling people I did love him and all the rest of it, which I did think I felt but on the Wednesday he finally messaged me and said he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t even want to be there when I took a pregnancy test. I kind of expected it and wasn’t as upset as I thought it would be. It hurt, but it’s easier to get over (being used) second time round. Four months ago, someone used me (not in the same way but it still hurt) so it didn’t come as much of a surprise and I knew how to get over it. I’m still not too upset about it. I think the idea of my suspected pregnancy helped because I still had that to hold onto. I have since realised I’m pretty much on my own but I trust myself and hey, everything happens for a reason, right?

For the past few days I have been feeling nauseous and headache-y but I woke up this morning and I was bleeding. Not much, but there was still a little bit there and I realised that whatever this past week was, is now over. I’m very upset just because I thought that the bleeding would come in the first few days of taking the pill so I’d  come to the conclusion that it hadn’t worked. I guess I did want to become pregnant from this; no, it wouldn’t have been practical at my age and with my up-coming exams and my ever changing family life but I’ve always wanted to have children young. He doesn’t want me to be pregnant at all and I think if it was still to come out that I was (I’m taking a pregnancy test in a couple of weeks just for peace of mind), I do think he’d make me get an abortion. It is my body but I would still have to accept his opinions and views. I guess I just feel like once I’ve given birth, my life would be complete as it were and I would be able to enjoy life to the full and also be able to have something that has to love me, no matter what! I just want love really and no one else other than my own offspring would ever do that, so there’s my justification! I know it sounds really small-minded but that’s just my viewpoint. I know that it’s nothing like  a miscarriage, but for some reason, it’s registering itself as that in my head. I do feel like I’ve terminated a pregnancy, especially as taking the pill wasn’t my explicit choice, and this is obviously very upsetting for me. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but you can’t help letting your mind wander. I don’t really know why I am so upset because, as I’ve said, it wouldn’t have been practical and it would’ve made life so much more difficult. I guess the bleeding just made it seem so much more real.

Another thing I want to talk to you about is my Mum’s reaction. As far as I’m aware, the only people that know are myself, him, my Mum and Step-Mum and his parents. My Mum was initially very disappointed which I think is expected from every parent to be entirely honest with you. My Step-Mum is taking this opportunity to just use this against me in every way she can and this then encourages my Mum to do the same. Myself and my Step-Mum tend to clash quite a lot without something like this anyway because we’re very similar people but I find her very insensitive at this time and just really upsetting me. I’ve told her this but she’s just laughed it off and told me it’s my own fault (which I already know). She’s just not making life any easier and is putting even more thoughts in my head and it’s just very frustrating and makes me realise that I am on my own and doesn’t help me at all. She is using this to her advantage and so she has the upper hand but there are some things I could easily throw back at her. This is turning pretty cynical so I think I’ll stop with that now.

What I want from the pregnancy test – I don’t know. Kind of contradicting myself with what I just said but I really don’t know. As I say, I’m bleeding, so I don’t think I am and I guess that’s why I’m talking about further pregnancy so openly and with such an open-mind as well. I don’t know; I’m still very confused and oblivious and unknowing. The idea that I still had a pregnancy despite how it landed me there was something that I think kept my spirits high. I don’t really know how to explain it, but when he messaged me it was just a bit like ‘well, I’ve still got this to look forward to and focus my attention on’. It’s weird, I know, I’m sorry, please don’t judge me, I just really don’t know.

As a little bit of clarification, because I have edited a lot out, I had a one night stand with my ex-boyfriend thinking we were going to get back together and, yeah, the rest is history, as they say. I know a lot of that was about my family life and my relationship with him at the time, but I still think they’re quite important points to note down, especially when you see how far I’ve come since.

21/06/16

It’s just over a week later now (9 days to be exact) and I don’t know why, but I’ve really been thinking about this again. My Mum doesn’t really care if I take a test anymore (she’s just taking the bleeding as ‘that’s it’) and I’m starting to tell more of my friends now that I’m more comfortable with the whole prospect but yeah, I’m just really down about it for some reason. I had basically got to that point of browsing the internet where I was on Google Images and I typed in ‘3 week baby bump’ because that’s what I would be and to see if there would be anything noticeable there. In the suggestions as I was typing it in, it said ‘3 week miscarriage’ and I thought I would just have a quick look and it looked really similar to what I experienced, so I typed in 1-2 week miscarriage and it did look like what happened to me. This is obviously sending me on a spiral and I’m now regretting everything – the bleeding itself made it seem so real but now knowing that whatever was in there was fertilized in some format just makes it 10 times worse. I was also revising for an upcoming RE exam the other day and we were recapping the section on Sex and Relationships (surprise, surprise) and in the section about contraception, it said that some religions see The Morning After Pill (what I took) as an abortion. I know what I went through wasn’t much if anything and it was very short-lived, but when I bled I did honestly feel like I had miscarriage or an abortion and that I’d wasted a life. I know that it wouldn’t have been ideal but just thinking of the ‘what ifs’ is really clouding my every thought and I do feel really sad. I do feel like my body was preparing for pregnancy but I guess not everything’s supposed to be. I just feel like I created a life and then killed it just as easily because of society and me having to do what everyone says. For those that are wondering about the title, ‘Dink’ was what I referred to the pregnancy as; I know it’s wrong to go that far as to name it but this is something that is going to be significant in my life for as far as I can think.

 26/06/16

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it showed that I was not pregnant. I kind of knew but it’s still slowly sinking it what happened. I do feel like that first week up until I bled I was and now that I have the confirmation, I do just feel a bit empty and unknowing. I’ve told my friends and the guy who would’ve been the Dad (we’re still talking like friends, so I guess that’s a positive!) and they’re all really happy but they keep asking how I am and in all honesty, I don’t know. I had held onto this little bit of hope and now I’m thinking about it more, I am realising how unprepared I would be for it and how this is completely the wrong timing. I am upset but I think I’ve done that now and I am just planning on looking forward. I’m not going to pretend this never happened but I’m going to try and get over it (or as much so as possible). I feel like the next time I get pregnant (and it’s planned or I’m at least stable enough to continue with the pregnancy) it will be a bit bitter sweet because it wouldn’t be my first pregnancy. Even though it was very short-lived, I do believe my body (even if I wasn’t myself) was pregnant. I do love Dink and nothing will change that, even if it was just cells. It is an overwhelming love and I guess I’m also proud to say that Dink was my first love. I just don’t understand how I could’ve been in love with it (and still am) but I honestly do. I don’t know, everything’s just a bit crazy. Meh – life!

And that was all I wrote. As you can kind of tell, it was a complete whirlwind of events and emotions. I’m still petrified to put this on the internet but if it helps one person or help me to stop over-thinking it, it’s a positive.

So yeah, thank you for reading and I’ll see you Sunday,

Rachel xx

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