Big Ol’ Life Update

Good Evening Munchkins!

Wow, does it feel good to be talking to you guys again. Unfortunately, this is just a huge life update, rather than a beauty post, but I’m working towards building up my timetable again, trust me. Before I say anything more, in this blog post I’m not going to sugar-coat anything, this is coming directly from me and it’s still very raw but I just felt I owe you an apology due to my lack of activity. I’m absolutely fine, I haven’t nearly died or anything, just a lot has happened in my personal life and it has got in the way. Also, any negative comments will just be deleted as this situation still hurts though I guess I trust you in a way. Feel privileged!

I don’t really know how to start or what to say, but I just know I need to get it out. Maybe 2 months ago or just coming up to that, my Mum told me she had been seeing a woman and had done since February. I initially felt shock; I had no idea my Mum was gay (or bisexual as she had then told me) and it made me realise how much parents can actually keep from you. I won’t go into too much detail about that just because it wouldn’t be fair, that is her side to tell, but there’s that bit. I then felt hurt and scared because at that point she was still with my Dad. I’ve always been a ‘Daddy’s Girl’ so I was of course I was on his side, even if she wasn’t having an affair etc. My Mum then became very cautious as to whether I was ‘ashamed’ of her or whatever for being gay but at the end of the day I would’ve felt the exact same if it was with another man. I think it hurt most because I’d built a good relationship Maria (my Mum’s girlfriend) and her two little kids and had built a trust with them, so I was being lied to by two people. Also, did I mention the 17 year age gap? Yeah, my Mum’s a cougar!

For the rest of that week I just remember being an absolute mess and not being able to look at my Dad (or Mum for that matter) in the same way. I couldn’t believe that this was happening – how many 14 year old girls does this happen to? I soon became OK with it as long as they weren’t too relationship-y around me as it still hurt. For a while I was very angry at my Mum and Maria, and I guess I still do in a way, as they kind of split my family apart. However, as time went by I learned to love my new younger brothers and they made the whole situation better (despite the 2 of them being surprisingly difficult!). This secret I had to carry on my shoulders along with everyday life’s other stresses soon became easier to behold and I started building a closer relationship with my new family.

This time last month I was introduced over Facebook to Maria’s brother Kieran. Mum and Maria had tried to set me up with random boys for ages but this one just clicked. I soon developed feelings for Kieran and that Sunday I met him along with most of Maria’s other siblings. Don’t worry, he is my age! Despite feeling like the awkward little muffin I am and being so nervous I didn’t go, I met him and he asked me out that day. He is honestly one of the nicest guys and I’m so glad to call him ‘mine’. We’ve been together a grand total of 22 days and they’ve honestly been the biggest roller-coaster. I think as little naive me, I would try and imagine what love was and who I would end up with when I was younger, but after seeing my Mum and Maria and being with Kieran, now I know. And it is lovely.

However, that night my Mum came out to my Dad and told him that Maria was in fact her girlfriend. The amount of times I’ve cried for my Dad since that day has been uncountable, it’s one of the hardest things seeing him like this. He now lives with his Mum but I’m unsure whether he wants to get his own place again or not. At points I thought he’d try and kill himself, but he’s still here and he’s getting into a better place. He can now talk to my Mum though not about Maria or the boys or even Kieran. I think one of the worst ways it’s affected me is he doesn’t want to meet Kieran just because he’s related to Maria. He just can’t treat it as a separate issue, but I can’t force it upon him.

That Tuesday night after I got with Kieran/my parents split up, my great uncle on my Dad’s side died suddenly of Cancer. I wasn’t told this, I saw this through a Facebook status. This is still a massive shock for me and it is upsetting, but I still need to carry on, which is what I didn’t do for my Great Nan and why I got to such a bad place. His funeral was last Tuesday and yes, I did cry. He was told he had months, not one week. I wish I’d seen him one last time, but at least he’s in a better place.

In the UK, that Sunday was Father’s Day. My brother and I of course spent it with our Dad, but it was kind of depressing, as it had been that whole week, to sit and have dinner with him as if nothing was going on. Since gaining a younger family, I’ve had to take on the ‘big sister’ role and put on a brave face which at times isn’t at all easy. This does mean I sometimes have a little breakdown (which has been these past few days), but I can’t let my brothers see me upset. That day my Dad also told me that he had to delete me off Facebook because he didn’t like what I was being tagged in. The night before the only thing I’d been tagged in was that myself and Kieran were in a relationship. That’s when I realised that I literally have nothing to talk about with my Dad and we will never be the same. I took this quite badly as did my Mums, but its one of those things.

On reflection, so much has happened these past few weeks, I really don’t know why I’m only letting myself cry a little bit now. I feel like I’ve suddenly had to grow up really quickly; it’s not everyday your Mum tells you she’s gay and having an affair, these kind of things don’t just happen. I’ve been struggling with stress a lot recently and felt I’ve had to please a lot of people, so blogging really hasn’t been my main priority (sorry). I’m sure now you can kind of understand, but I’ve missed this blog as much as I’m sure you have.

Right now, I’m a lot happier and Mum and Maria are looking forward to the future, just as myself and Kieran are. The thing I’m finding most difficult currently is trying to balance my time and try not to feel guilty for having fun with my new family. Other than that, life’s grand! I also have a load of exams at the moment, so I’ve being trying not to kill my brain over that.

I hope you now have a bit more of an understanding. I’ve probably missed something really significant, but if you do have any questions just ask me and I will answer for you. I’m a very open person, it’s very unlikely I’ll get offended (unless your like my Media teacher who told me I was going to ‘end up on Jeremy Kyle’. Thanks). Don’t take this as I’m giving you an excuse, I just feel it’s been so long you need a reason.

Thank you for still sticking with me after so long, love you long time,

Rachel xxx

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