Not Being That ‘Perfect Girl’

Good Morning, Munchkins. You might think that because I’ve uploaded really early both yesterday and today that I’m being very good at blogging and should get a ‘Bloggers Pet Award’ (don’t worry, I just made it up!) but no, I’m writing this the night before as tomorrow (or your today) I’m going to stay with my Granny and Pop-Pops until Friday so I’ll probably upload Saturday and Sunday instead of all of this week. I just think we should have a little chat (grab yourself a coffee and it’ll be a Coffee Morning) about blogging and how people perceive bloggers to be.

I’m guilty of it myself, I believe that some bloggers are the most amazing thing to walk upon this Earth and that they could never have a bad day because of the beauty within them and how kind and dedicated to their readers they are. Some people might be thinking I’m being arrogant and talking about myself, I’m honestly not, if you saw behind the scenes yes, I’m kind and dedicated to my readers but in no way am I or have I been a beautiful person all my life. I’m only human. You know a lot about me but not even my best friends know everything about me, so I would not at this current point in my life would I like to share those experiences.

Some people think I’m really strong because of my Depression and Bipolar and Panic Attacks but I’m honestly not; I’m just completely vulnerable. My Depression started when my Great-Nan died, as I got over my Depression I ended up with Bipolar and my Bipolar and Depression put together has made me insecure which trigger my Panic Attacks.

I’m only 13; I’m the first to fall asleep at sleepovers because I’m youngest; I get angry when my hair or makeup doesn’t go right; the future scares me; I want someone to tell me they love me or say I’m beautiful (and hopefully not followed by a wolf whistle); I want that one person to notice me; past experiences are something that cause my Panic Attacks; I’m so grateful for this website to let me share things with you; I’m slow but can be quick-witted; I love talking but I can never start a conversation with someone new. You see my pain?

I’m not all that may come across in my blog. I’m a size 14, only 5 foot tall, size 4 in shoes, I have blue eyes, I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was 9 so I don’t know my current hair colour, I have pale Irish complexion but I have rosy cheeks then tan quite well so no Foundation or BB Cream ever suits me, I’m a fangirl.

I don’t care. I will quite happily share this information with you because I know that you probably have this picture of me in your head as I haven’t shared any pictures of myself on here and she probably looks nothing like me. Your Rachel is probably a girl who lives by the sea and spends everyday drinking tea and eating scones in her small country of England. My Rachel has never eaten a scone and if I have a cup of tea I end up with a mug with a Stormtrooper on. On a good day there will be mild wind but in the winter there is no point in even brushing my hair. I’m scared that people who see me judge me because of what I look like because people are judgemental and always will be until the end of time. That’s life.

All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t glamorize people if you don’t know them. There’s so much you don’t know about me as I’ve already said so please don’t be scared when I tell you these things.

For example, one thing I will share with you right now is that I have a 3rd cousin who is 3 and has Global Delay and Cerebral Pulsey and he’s the only one in my whole family who is disabled. Every night or every other night I just think the ‘what ifs’. He is a cute little kid and it always seems to happen to the best of people. Even though it has nothing to do with me I still feel so bad. I love him and that’s one of the reasons I feel such hatred to the World in that sense for making him live like this. Then again, everything happens for a reason.

People have actually said to me ‘Oh, if you’re depressed why are you so happy?’. This was when I was getting better but guess what, you ever heard of the phrase ‘Make The Best Out Of A Bad Situation?’ or ‘I don’t want to worry/annoy the people around me with my problems’? It’s called life, just because you have everything served to you on a gold platter doesn’t mean the rest of us do, we’re only trying to carry on breathing in this world for as long as we can.

I’m at that age where boys are starting to like girls and immediately go for the pretty, skinny girls who are so fake they could give Barbie a run for her money. I fancy one of these boys and it hurts so much. I look a right mess at school as well. Oh well, it’ll either happen or it won’t.

I know I sound really depressing today, I’m sorry, but it’s just one of those days. I’m not depressed, or not as bad as I was anyway. I’m normally fine; it’s just one of those days.

Thank you for reading and I’ll see you soon,

Rachel xx


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3 thoughts on “Not Being That ‘Perfect Girl’”

    1. For me personally it was mainly that I was crying all the time, only thinking negative thoughts of myself and other’s around me or the situation I was in and self-harming or wanting to self-harm. I was never properly diagnosed by a doctor because my Mum didn’t know and she only saw a mark on my arm from the last time I self-harmed because I used a piece of broken plastic so once the redness had gone you couldn’t really tell unless you were looking for it. As you can probably tell from that I didn’t and still don’t know whether it was depression but I looked it up and had some of the symptoms. I also went through a time where I would purposely do things like listen to music that upset me so that I would cry. Looking back I’m not sure why I did that but at the time it must’ve meant something.
      On the NHS website it says depression is basically a feeling of sadness, hopelessness and you lose interest in the things you used enjoy. They can persist for weeks or months and can interfere with your social life, work or family life. It is also described as being in a continuous low-mood or sadness, feeling helpless, having low self-esteem, feeling tearful, feeling guilt-ridden, feeling irritable and intolerant of others, having no motivation or interest of things, finding it difficult to make decisions, not getting any enjoyment out of life or feeling anxious or worried. Physical symptoms can include moving or speaking slowly or slower than usual, change in appetite, unexplained aches and pains or disturbed sleep and Social symptoms can be things such as not doing well at work, taking part in fewer social activities, avoiding contact with friends, neglecting hobbies and interests or having difficulty with home and family life. The link to the website is just is case you would like to have a quick read yourself. You won’t always have the same few things and you won’t necessarily have all of these or just a few.
      I hope this has helped and I’m sorry this is later than what I would reply to comments I’ve just got back from being away. Let me know how you’re doing (I presume you think you have depression, but sorry if I’ve jumped to conclusions) by either emailing me or replying to the comment as it is important to get support from people around you.
      Hope you get better soon,
      Rachel xx

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